I’ve kept quite quiet in about talking about relationships and breakups in general since my last past I wrote back in 2014, How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back, since then I have received a lot of emails, comments and people who tried reaching me for tips on how to get their ex back in general but I feel the need to jump in with some general pointers about how to handle breakups and situations like this. As someone who’s experienced quite a few of these sort of situations, I feel qualified to speak on them. Mostly in younger days, but some even after I discovered the quite a lot of community and discussing, learning, gaining more knowledge over this subject. Most of the points might remain the same. But, similarly as relevant since my last post.
The pointers below are forged by personal experience, reading lots of books in this area, going through mostly all the coaches and training program which helps in this topic and lots and lots of conversations with people about these matters.
The purpose of writing this post is not to be “egoisticial” or show off my get back skills at all. But, to bring you back in the playing field and get you back up as a “MAN”.
A lot of the time, these kind of situations can be natural progressions in a relationship as you flow into the next stage of your relationship. Sometimes they’re outright tests by the woman to see how you handle it.
DISCLAIMER: These pointers are primarily for situations in which the relationship has come to an end against your will. The pointers below aren’t going to be as useful (and in lots of cases aren’t advised) if you’ve made some sort of mistake that has ended the relationship. One of those sort of mistakes requires that you man-up and make contact with your girl to sort things out.
But for those cases where the breakup was not your choice, here are some pointers:
Don’t Contact Her
Yes, the most important rule first. No contact. Don’t be the one to contact first. You put yourself in a much stronger position by not contacting her first. It’s also a time for you to get distance from her, sort yourself out and heal from any emotional wounds which resulted from the breakup.
So you go no contact in order to put yourself in a stronger position than you were before. You also go no contact to focus on yourself. And if the relationship doesn’t re-kindle, then you’ve also put yourself in a much better place if and when your girl misses you and wants to get back together/hookup/random sex and suchlike. And, if you did no contact properly, she will miss you.
Don’t Contact Her Friends
As an addendum to the above: no contact also extends to contacting her friends. That is, non-mutual friends that you have met through her. Obviously, you shouldn’t avoid your friends or mutual friends. Just don’t get tempted to drop a Facebook message to her best friend in an attempt to ascertain information about your girl.
No Contact Really Means No Contact
I’ll say it again, because it bears repeating: No contact with her. I’m sure you believe that you have the perfect words and you just need to articulate them in the right way in order to make things perfect between you two again. Or that if you can just hand deliver that well-written, persuasive letter to her then you can change everything around.
Sorry, it hardly ever works like that. Whilst hand-delivered letters can work in some situations, for the purposes of general advice on these matters, it’s really not a good idea. Without knowing the exact details of your situation, it’s hard to say. So as a general rule – no contact means no contact.
No contact means do not do the following (and this is far from a comprehensive list): begging for her to take you back, calling her up crying, writing her letters/emails/Facebook messages, texting her on drunken nights out (or texting anytime at all, for that matter), commenting on her Facebook statuses/photos etc, liking her Facebook posts, turning up randomly at her house/apartment/college/place of work etc.
You get the idea – no contact means no contact!
Always Have Something More Important Than Her
You have to have something in your life that’s more important than her. Sure, you can love her with all your heart. But if she catches on that you value her more than your most important goal, passion or dream in life, then you’re eventually toast. A woman needs to respect you in order to stay attracted to you. Her respect for you (even if it starts sky high) will eventually fade if she realises that she’s the most important thing in your life.
Yeah, it’s cruel and fucked up. And, yes, it shouldn’t be this way. Still, this is reality and you need to work with reality, or else be a slave to it.
Keep Yourself Busy
This is the obvious and much bandied around advice after a breakup. It’s tried and tested and it works. Keeping busy keeps your mind off your girl. This avoids over-analysis, emotional stewing and keeps general malaise to a minimum. Simple.
Work With Your Hands
When keeping yourself busy, working with your hands is fantastic. If you don’t have a job that’s active and allows you to work with your hands, take this opportunity to spend some time doing practical working with your hands kinda tasks – stuff like gardening, DIY around your house, volunteer work that involves building things, or just up the amount of housework you normally do.
Working with your hands is a remarkable way to take your mind off your girl. I don’t know exactly why it works, but it just works. Focusing on physical activities rather than mental ones breaks that over-analysis link between you thinking too much about her, and it will serve you well.
In fact, jobs that involve sitting around on computers all day are some of the worst kinds of situations you can put yourself in during a breakup. Not only are you inactive and in mental mode where you have time to think about her all day, but you also have easy access to email, Facebook and other things that will mess with your mind.
That brings us nicely into…
Social Media Is A Nightmare For Breakups
This is a tough one, but so very true. Facebook will fuck with your mind when in a relationship. Unless your girl lives like a nun (or doesn’t have Facebook in the first place!!), you will find yourself obsessing over her Facebook posts and statuses. This is the death of progress after a breakup.
There’s no easy way out of this one, and there are many theories on how to approach it. Some ideas:
i) Outright delete/block her on Facebook – you won’t have to see her statuses and updates and she won’t see yours. Problem with this is the obvious fact she’s going to know you blocked her. It’s your call, but bear in mind blocking a girl after a breakup can be viewed as petty, vindictive, reactive, weak and a whole host of other not so nice words. Both by her and other people on your Facebook. It’s your call, but it’s certainly a strong statement and a perfect way to not see her updates anymore.
ii) Find another way to limit her/your visibility. Facebook changes it’s algorithms more times than I use the bathroom, so by the time you read this, any specific advice I give on this would have changed. But there are always different ways to limit your visibility (and hers) by using the different privacy settings. Find something that you’re comfortable with and roll with it.
iii) Don’t delete/block or limit any kind of visibility – just limit your own viewing of her profile.[u] This, obviously, assumes you have the willpower of a monk. For lots of guys, just simply isn’t realistic – they’ll just end up looking at her shit 24/7 and they’ll drive themselves crazy with theories, paranoia and over-analysis.
But for those who can emotionally handle viewing her Facebook after a breakup, you should still limit how often you “check up on her,” if at all.
There’s a debate about which Facebook strategy best suits the overall “no contact theory.” Some people think it’s more powerful to remove yourself completely from Facebook, as it leaves a large void in her life where you once were – this increases the feelings of loss and missing you emotions that is one facet of the reasons for no contact.
On the other hand, keeping yourself around her Facebook newsfeed can be powerful – you show yourself to be non-reactive and chilled with her still being somewhat “in your life,” despite her dumping you. What’s more, it also gives you opportunity to indirectly show her what a fun-filled and awesome life you’re leading in her absence. Don’t get childish and find every club pic of you and some hotties to upload, but just make sure you’re showing your best and most fun-filled side on Facebook; which is something you should always be doing, anyway. Right?
Start Working Out
I’m assuming that you aren’t working out. If you are, keep up the good work. If you’re not, get yourself into the gym, on the road, out in the wilds, on the beach or whatever works for you. Get moving, get lifting, get stronger. There’s a tonne of literate out there on this, but suffice to say there’s undeniable evidence that the benefits to working out are plentiful and awesome.
You’ll feel stronger, healthier, more confident and you’ll give yourself something to focus on other than her. Furthermore, you’ll be putting yourself in better stead when you come to meet other girls, as well as any random encounters you might have with your girl (especially if you live close).
Eat Well, Eat Healthy
Let yourself eat well, but eat healthy. Like working out, your psychology and general mental well-being is massively affected by what you eat. Do the research and find out what constitutes a healthy diet. If you’re not already eating well, start eating well! There are a lot of books, blogs, and courses that can teach on this subject i.e. out of the scope of this article for now 🙂
Get Involved In Hobbies
Whilst working out is a good start to a new life of being active, a breakup is a great time to expand your horizons further, if you haven’t already. Join some clubs, societies, get involved in new hobbies. Do stuff that you maybe wanted to do but couldn’t because of your girl (and then remember to stick with this new mindset if you do get back together!!)
I won’t list all the hobbies you can possibly do here, but your options are almost limitless. It’s time to put yourself out there. Get out of your comfort zone. As the saying goes, a ship in harbour is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for. Starting new hobbies is also tied in with Meeting New People, and it’s a fantastic way to expand your social circle.
Get Your Head Right
Don’t dwell on all the situations that led up to this breakup. Don’t over-analyse every scenario that you think could be “to blame.” More often than not, if and when you do eventually get back together with your girl, these situations and events will be forgotten as the woman’s new emotions take over and guide her to new understandings of the way things are.
That brings us to…
Remember How Emotional Women Are
This is an important one. You need to remember that a woman is, ultimately, led by her emotions and that those emotions can be changed (by you and by external factors) at anytime.
Getting your head right is tied in with this. Remember that you need to keep your head straight and your emotions in check…even if she isn’t. Don’t be the first to crack. In fact, don’t crack at all!
If she starts texting or calling you with emotional outbursts, remain calm. Tell her that you won’t speak to her until she’s calmed down. Be chilled. This too shall pass.
If she does show signs of emotional outbursts, they will sometimes be on Facebook where she’ll attempt to get attention and emotional support from friends in public, especially if she normally gets her emotional support from you. It goes without saying that if you haven’t already taken steps to avoid seeing her Facebook (and other social media), then you should completely ignore any emotional outbursts that you see on there…especially if they are directed at you specifically. If she tries to “name and shame” you in public, then this should be a punishable offence – here is a good time to delete her from Facebook. This doesn’t have to be permanent, and make sure you do it calmly and in an adult manner, letting her know that her behaviour has led to your action.
Above all, avoid all childishness, especially when it’s in public.
Focus On Yourself
This is a time to improve yourself. This is a time to take stock of your situation in life. It’s a chance to do some soul searching and think about what really caused this breakup. But don’t overly focus on the reasons and get stuck in over-analysis and dwelling on the same situations and emotions over and over again. No, this is a time for self development and doing things for yourself. It’s also a great time to really consider deep down if you want to actually be in this relationship with your girl.
Read lots. Read self-help books, read recommended books on female psychology. Read about pain and overcoming adversity. Read about the female mind and how to conquer it. Read about anything you want – read for pleasure, even.
You should be reading self-development literature, working out, eating and sleeping well, and be getting out there and meeting new people.
This is also a great time to treat yourself – buy yourself some new clothes, treat yourself to a massage, go on that trip you’ve been putting off as you didn’t have time. This is time for yourself.
As a follow on to the above: Be selfish. Focus on yourself and don’t be afraid to be selfish. This is your time. It’s not her time, it’s not your best friends time, or your mum’s time, or anyone else’s time. In fact, perhaps the reason you and your girl broke up was that you made things all about her, rather than doing things that you want to do.
Now’s your chance. And, here’s the thing, you need to keep doing this if/when you do get back with your girl…especially if the reason for the breakup was you being too much of a nice guy and doing everything she wanted to do.
This is your time to be selfish. Use it wisely.
Get Out There And Meet New People
You don’t have to meet new women, but that’s highly recommended. Just get out there and meet new people. Explore new social circles. Meet new friends. It’s not hard. We all know friends of friends who are just a text or Facebook message away. Discover events going on in your local area. You don’t need to go to “singles nights” or anything like that – just get social and stay social.
Meet New Women
This comes later. You shouldn’t jump right into meeting new women just a few days after a breakup. You should leave it at least 2 weeks before you even consider actively meeting new women. But you should. Even if you have no real interest in exploring new women, you should. Even if you are focused on getting your girl back and have no interest in developing any kind of relationship with another woman, you should.
By meeting new women, you’re teaching yourself that there are other possibilities out there, other romantic interests out there. This is powerful. Options are powerful. Anytime you give yourself more options, you’re doing yourself great service.
Furthermore, you train yourself to be better with women and grow your confidence exponentially.
Where you meet women is up to you. How you meet women is up to you. Start small and build yourself back up. You’ll be sharing the company of lots of interesting women before you know it!
Find A Way To See Yourself As Winning
Whilst making war analogies is never a good thing when it comes to women and relationships, this one’s different. You have to always see yourself as “winning.” Find a way to get easy wins. As your days of no contact go on, there will be times when it’s hard, when you don’t think the no contact is working and you feel hopeless and close to contacting her.
You need to see yourself as “winning” – that way, you can focus on continuing the no contact rather than thinking about throwing in the towel.
Here’s an example – every hour of every day that you complete no contact, it’s a win! Every hour that you avoid any kind of contact with your girl is a positive! Embrace the positives and keep pushing forward with your life. It’s these little moments that will keep you on the path.
Don’t Be Afraid To Talk To Friends About This
Make sure you have a strong and close-knit circle of friends (and other close confidantes) that you can talk to. This is a massive advantage after a breakup. Tell them what you’re feeling and what you’re going through, but don’t let it get to the point where it’s all you’re talking about, otherwise you’ll soon find even the closest of friends not wanting to be around you as you’re bringing too much negativity to the table.
Ask people for advice, but don’t take too much to heart. A good range of advice is powerful for you at this point. But, ultimately, no one quite knows the situation and your girl like you do. So you should take all advice with a pinch of salt until you start noticing patterns in the advice that people are giving you. If you see the same advice and theories coming at you over and over again, then know that people are onto something. Perhaps they can see something that you can’t. Love is blind. Drop the ego and listen.
When talking to friends about your girl, be sure not to badmouth her. Whilst in some situations it might be tempting to do just that, there’s a couple of reasons not to do this:
i) You don’t know at this stage if the two of you will get back together. Why put your friends in a potentially awkward position after listening to you insult your ex for weeks and then appear with her on your arm again? Constantly badmouthing someone just lowers your value because your friends are going to wonder why you were with this girl in the first place if you believe she is such a bitch!
ii) You don’t know what sort of information is going to get back to her and further ruffle feathers and delay a potential reconciliation. This is mainly in the case of mutual friends who might end up gossiping with your ex. It’s not worth the drama, so avoid any emotional venting that turns into insulting of your ex.
Okay, so those are the general pointers. Here are some FAQs that often come up when a guy decides to go no contact after a breakup, these are questions people asked me plenty of times:
Is she thinking about me?
Yes. I’m sure she’s thinking about you. Depending on the length and seriousness of your relationship (not to mention the manner of it’s ending), she will be thinking about you in different ways. But she will be thinking about you.
A woman is hugely emotional after a breakup of any kind. She’s indecisive and wonders if she’s made the right decision in ending things with you. Don’t contact her constantly asking to get back together – that just lowers your value in her eyes. You might think it’s cool, romantic and persuasive, but you just look desperate, needy and low-value.
Is this really working?
Yes, she’s thinking about you. She’s wondering why you haven’t contacted her. Trust me. She’s wondering why you aren’t like all those other guys she’s broken up with who bombard her with phone calls for weeks after the breakup. Trust me on this – if you keep up the no contact, you will start seeing signs that it’s affecting her emotional state. But you need to be consistent, in it for the long-haul and you need to be true to yourself.
You need to get to a point where you can sit down alone with your thoughts and know that she’s thinking more strongly about you than you are about her. You need to get to a point where you want to be in a relationship with her less than she wants to be in a relationship with you. Because that’s most likely the reason why you’re not in a relationship with her now!
That’s the only way that you will get your girl back.
You have to be strong and stick with the no contact. If you get to, say, 3 weeks and she hasn’t contacted you, you might be tempted to cave in and contact her. But then you’d be losing 3 weeks of HARD work. And it really is some of the hardest work you can do whilst doing nothing!! It’s emotional work.
When you’re thinking about caving in and contacting her, ask yourself this: “What if she’s going to contact me tomorrow?”
If you blow it now, you’ll set yourself back weeks, if not forever, whilst she might have been ready to contact you tomorrow!
How do I know for sure?
Is she calling you? Is she texting you? Is she Facebooking you? Commenting on your photos or statuses? Emailing you? All of those are blatant signs that your no contact is having an effect.
Sometimes things are more subtle, though. If you’re not seeing her in person (and you shouldn’t be during no contact!!), then it’s hard to be able to gauge where her head is at. You could ask mutual friends where her head’s at, but that’s not advisable (as mentioned above).
One reason for keeping her on your Facebook is to keep track of her statuses. Women will often reveal emotional details about themselves on Facebook, even though it’s public and potentially embarrassing. It’s hard for guys to truly comprehend this, as it seems so alien to us. But women use Facebook, and similar sites, as platforms to display their ever-present emotions.
Watch what she’s writing on Facebook. She may even be trying to indirectly communicate with you.
Should I tell her I’m meeting other girls?
In a word, no. In many words – no, no, no. It will just come across as childish and petty. Tit for tat. Why waste your time with that? Jealousy is powerful…however unfortunate and fucked up that might sound. But jealously only works in your corner if she hears about it indirectly – that is, not from you. You telling her you’re seeing other women is amateur and doucebaggy. Her hearing about it from other people (in a non-dramatic way!) is powerful.
Jealousy and social proof are two of the most powerful tools in your toolbox after a breakup. But use them wisely and in a non-attention seeking way. There’s no getting around it – this is evolutionary psychology. When a woman hears that you have other options, your value increases massively.
How long should I wait?
Okay, so a common question is: when do I cave in and contact her? Well my personal response to that is: never. You have to have faith that she will contact you.
Maybe she doesn’t. But by the time you give up, if you have followed the rules in this post, you’ll have built a fantastic life for yourself and won’t be focused on her anymore, anyway!
They say 3 weeks is the optimum time in which a girl most misses you, and is therefore most likely to contact you. That’s 3 weeks (21 days) of absolute no contact since the last time you guys spoke, text, saw each other, etc.
Lots of girls contact guys they’ve broken up with within 2 weeks – often it’s to “give you back your stuff” or some other alibi for meeting you and talking. Sometimes it’s just selfish reasons as they’re lonely and need you to be an emotional tampon for them. Avoid those situations at all costs.
1 week of no contact is normally too soon for her to miss you sufficiently enough to inspire real changes in a relationship. Often meeting up after just one week is a mistake as it’s too soon. Let those emotional wounds heal and tempers and hurt feelings to calm down first.
After about the 5 week mark, all bets are off. More than 1 full month of no contact at all with a person that you used to have some form of contact with nearly every day for a long period of time is…well, it’s tough for anyone. If a girl hasn’t contacted you after 5 weeks of no contact, and you’ve done everything as instructed in this post, then I’d start wondering if she has truly moved on or hooked up with another guy. UNLESS, you’re seeing obvious signs that she’s missing you (as described above).
Of course, your mileage may vary. Some girls are just more stubborn than others. Some girls will hold out for you to contact them, which as discussed holds it’s own potential pitfalls, not least of which is an opportunity for them to reject you again to boost their emotional state. As discussed above, though, you are never going to know when your girl is going to contact you, so it’s best just to take focus away from this question in general and just focus on yourself.
In some situations, despite how much you might love your girl, she really has moved on for good for whatever reason, and it’s best you do the same as quickly as possible.
What do I do if she contacts ME!?
This is it, right!? The goal of no contact!? Kinda. If she contacts you, you’re only partly there. That’s important to remember.
If she contacts you (and this is pretty common, even in the early stages of a breakup, and even when she’s outright told you things like she’d rather not see you again), you must play it cool. She may call, text, Facebook you, IM, email…whatever it is…you handle it the same way – cooly and politely.
You remain calm. You don’t jump for joy, high five your dog and then confess all your deep feelings for your ex as you assume things are back on. That would be a death sentence for the relationship and would thrust you further back than you were straight after the breakup!
She may be communicating with you, but you need to view this as a potential test.
Be polite. Be cool. Wait a while before replying if it’s a text/FB message/email. A good rule of thumb is just to delay your response longer than she takes to reply to your messages. Keep things short. Don’t brag or act like a dick. Tell her that you’re enjoying yourself and mention some things that you’ve been up to.
If she asks for a meeting, it’s on. This is an important step. Often a girl will preface a potential meeting with some sort of dutiful thing like, “I have some of your stuff I need to return.” Often they’ll be a bullshit reason for how they have to see you in person in order to return it. Don’t worry about the content here – the important thing is that she wants a meeting. This is a step in the right direction.
It depends on the kind of meeting she’s asking for and, especially, on the length of time since the breakup.
If she’s asking for a meeting “so that we can talk,” then you should try and get her to your place. And make damn sure you have a free house! You will need to seduce her again, as with all post-breakup meetings.
You need to seduce her all over again. Treat it as a fun little mission. You’ll be able to tell what sort of a mood she’s in right away. Pay special attention to how she’s dressed and whether she’s wearing makeup/perfume, etc for your benefit. Those are good signs, of course. Measure the situation and act accordingly. Don’t get into conversations about “the relationship” that will just drag up negative emotions. You need to have a fun time, seduce her and sleep with her before you start talking seriously about the relationship.
As well as meeting at your house for the “so that we can talk” meetings, you can also arrange for those meetings to take place at a neutral location. Make sure it’s at night and preferably a weekend when you’re both free the next day. Take her out and act like a couple. Because you are. Again, gauge her behaviour and lead her accordingly. You need to seduce her again, get her back to your place and sleep with her before you talk about serious relationship issues.
If she wants to “just return some of your stuff,” she most likely won’t agree to a night out style of meeting. The returning your stuff meeting most often happens within the first couple of weeks after a breakup. In these cases, you should invite her to yours to “return stuff” and take it from there. See above – be friendly, flirty and seduce her all over again. Sleep with her FIRST before talking relationship again.