I understand that this might be the most painful experiences of your entire life right at this moment. Trust me, I have not only been there myself. But, I have seen many people go through the some pain again and again. Once upon a time, while going through my personal breakup phase. My pain was so bad that I use to get up in the middle of the night and cry. And I know a lot many people who have had even worse times than I did.
You might feel at this point that your whole world has shattered before your eyes. Everything in your life that gave you feelings of significance, love & connection, made you feel internally happy, and excited about life is all over. The only person you felt was complete, honest and truly loved you to the core has broken your heart and then left you alone in pain and sorrow. How can someone do this to anyone? How can she someone who once use to be with you all the time do this to you? Does this pain ever has an end? When, how will this stop?
The fact is that the pain that you are feeling right now is ACTUALLY real. Scientific studies have proven this that breakup pain is an automatic triggered reaction in the same part of our human brain that gets activated during actually physical pain. Also, with that said, the pain that you are going through right now is also extremely common.
A lot many people including myself as I have felt, we feel that their love for that special someone was SPECIAL and that, by extension, the pain they feel by losing the person they love, is special as well. But, frankly it’s not true. Infact, I can bet on this that someone out their in this present world is experiencing the same pain right at this moment apart from you, and that there is someone out their who is going through a breakup pain which is much, MUCH worse than yours RIGHT NOW.
You might as well say, How do I know this? Well, that’s because I have been working with heart broken people since a very very long time now…
I have so many hundreds of emails and questions over a course of time on a regular basis since past few years since I have been doing this.
To be honest, I was very humbled the first time I put things in perspective. The moment, I had the clarity and the understanding about this very common but most likely one of the most excruciating and painful times of our life. Breakup.
Imagine, and feel the excruciating, horrible, uncontrollable, tremendous heartache that you are feeling right now. This same very emotion has been experienced and felt by billions of people on this planet earth. Almost, everyone even your parents in some case have gone through this heartache at some point in their lifetime. Even at this same moment of our life, there are hundreds (if not millions) who might be experiencing this pain along with you.
At this time, it sounds depressing. And if this is true for you, then world in which you are living in right now sounds full of pain and suffering.
But, during the course of time when I have been a breakup expert, or a coach or an advisor to people in many cases, I have realized that this time also is one of the most crucial times of our lifetime. This is the time when we can gain the ability to go through this pain and also come out as a different human being, much more stronger, mature, and sensible person then ever. Out of these people, so many people get their exes back. While the rest who don’t get the ability to move on, and become much more happier then they have been living before. But, they all end up rising above this pain and becoming happier again.
I want you, that you shall to. Rise above this PAIN and feel HAPPY again.
But, for that I need your commitment. Your commitment to follow through all the blog posts and other resources that I have on this blog for you, which are so crucial to you.
Follow the simple steps and instructions in the upcoming blog posts that I have on this blog. And do the Advanced Healing Process Assignments that I have coming along in my Ex Back Advanced System here for you.
I believe that getting your ex back back whether a girlfriend or a boyfriend is really not a difficult part. Difficult part will be to keep them. That’s because they left you once, and what do you think will stop them from leaving you again even if they come back in your life? What’s the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them FORVEVER.
My name is Aby…and I truly want you to get back with your ex back if that’s right for you. I hope so. I say “I hope so” that’s because I can never guarantee that thing for you. BUT, if you follow the plans, steps and instructions that I have outlined for you. I can guarantee that your chance of getting your ex boyfriend back or ex girlfriend back will increase in multiple times.
Want to get your ex girlfriend back? Want to know what are the things that you should be doing in order to get her back and re-ignite your relationship for a long term relationship further? Are you stuck and unable to re-initiate & start conversation with your ex girlfriend, again?
First, read this article. Second, check the section at the last of this page. I promise this a no-bullshit, complete step by step guiding process in order to do just that. Trust the process and let the rest follow.
What To Do NOW To Get Started…
The first thing I am going to ask you to do is also the hardest for most people:
DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX.
For a MINIMUM of 4 weeks you should NOT contact your ex. This is NOT optional. In order to get back your ex you are going to have to leave them alone – completely!
Don’t tell them that you aren’t going to be talking to them for a while.
Don’t try to communicate with them through their friends. Don’t “accidentally” run into them at a party. And definitely do NOT stalk them from a distance.
If your ex initiates contact with you then that is fine. The important thing is that you aren’t the one initiating contact. Just keep the conversation short and portray happiness (more on this later).
Most importantly, IF they do contact you, don’t bring up the relationship.
…you work with your ex:
Try to keep contact with a minimum while being friendly. Appearing upset, angry, or irritated will make you look childish. The combination of friendly and minimum contact is important. Also, be sure to project a happy content image. Acting depressed or upset, though tempting, does not make your ex want to get back together with you (more on this later).
…you have a child with your ex (or some other pressing responsibility):
You should not fall behind on responsibilities – especially if it involves a child. When you contact them be friendly, get done what you need to get done (arrange a time to pick up your child, etc.) and then get off the phone or leave (whatever the case may be).
…you live with your ex…
If you live with your ex then you should make an effort to stay busy with things outside of the home. In addition, since your ex has a easy access to every detail of your home life, you should try to make those details as attractive as possible. Keep things clean, don’t get drunk, try not to irritate them, etc. Unless your partner is dating other people, don’t go out on the 3 dates.
…you have maintained close contact with your ex since the break up…
If you have maintained contact with your ex since the break up then it will seem weird/rude if one day you just stop contacting them. However, the month of no contact is still very necessary so I would recommend that you slowly, over the course of a week or maybe two, lessen the amount of contact until it seems appropriate to stop completely. Use your judgment remembering that above all, you don’t want to come off as rude as this will only spark a power struggle and completely defeat the purpose of the month of no contact.
Why do I recommend this period of no contact?
In your failing relationship, all interactions within that relationship can be classified as either a “push” or a “pull.”
A “push” is a show of interest which puts pressure on the other person.
This can be something like saying “I love you” or something as small as how you look at them. Usually the one who wants to stay together (you) is the one doing the “pushing.”
A “pull” is what the other person does in response to the push. A “pull” is a loss of interest or a display of indifference. It can be anything from them saying “I need more space” to completely leaving you. Usually the less interested person is doing all the “pulling.”
This “push and pull” phenomenon is a fact of human nature. It’s like Newton’s Law – for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
When you “push,” they “pull.” Usually they will “pull” back. Sometimes they will even pull back disproportionately more than you “pushed.” Over time, quite a distance builds between the two of you making it even more challenging to get back together!
Right now, since your relationship is “over,” your ex’s sensitivity to your “pushes” has gone into hyper-sensitivity. They will interpret the smallest thing you do as a push.
And usually… they are right.
In the “needy,” slightly depressed condition you are in now, whether you realize it or not, you are broadcasting “pushiness” and they can sense it just from interacting with you even though you don’t *think* you are being pushy at all.
YOU CAN’T HELP BUT PUSH THEM RIGHT NOW!
You may think you can stop but if you still have feelings for them then it is more or less impossible for you to not broadcast those feelings. It will happen without your conscious awareness.
Hence the need for ONE MONTH of NO CONTACT.
Basically, by not “pushing” at all for a month they have no reason to keep “pulling back.” In fact, by not being around them at all the gap that was created by all the pushing and pulling that happened in the past may start to close.
Also, the time apart will make it more likely that your ex will perceive that you have changed and, as a result, more likely that they will be willing to try again.
And, don’t worry, I’ll give you plenty to do over the next month to keep you too busy to see them anyway. 🙂
What’s the PLAN?
I’m sure you are eager to know this plan I keep talking about that is supposed to help you get back your ex. Before I tell you how best to approach your situation, let me tell you what the plan is NOT.
This plan is NOT going to involve…
1.) Giving your ex reassurance that you have changed so things will be different now.
2.) Telling them over and over that you love them.
3.) Acting depressed so they will feel bad for you and come back.
4.) Trying to reason and argue with them about why they should come back to you.
5.) Using wishful thinking to bring them back to you.
6.) Using kids, money, or some other kind of manipulative leverage to “force” them to come back.
… these common, but very ineffective, tactics RARELY ever work. And, if by some small chance they do work – it will only be a matter of time until you guys break up again because these tactics don’t even begin to fix the problem.
Avoid those six tactics like the PLAGUE!
Here is our plan…
We are going to use the same thing that brought you guy’s together in the first place to bring you back together.
We are going to use ATTRACTION to get your ex back.
This is the only effective way of approaching the situation. By attracting your ex back into your life you can avoid the cheesy talks, the desperate measures, and the immoral manipulations (that are very likely to backfire anyway as we already discussed).
Chances are that the reason you guys broke up, if you examine the situation deeply enough, can be traced back to a LOSS OF ATTRACTION between the two of you somewhere along the line.
By restoring that attraction you will be able to draw them back into your life while simultaneously creating an environment in which your relationship can flourish in the future.
Over the next month, during which you should have absolutely no contact with your ex, I will show you how to become irresistibly attractive to your ex. Then, towards the end of the month, I will reveal to you a plan for a date with your ex. During this date you will be putting off an irresistibly attractive image (if you have followed all of my advice). I will also tell you what to talk about, exactly what to say if certain things come up, and much more.
Hopefully, if everything goes as planned, your ex will not be able to resist you and will start to warm up to you again. After that it should only be a matter of time until they are back in your life.
I hope so. But, be warned, this isn’t going to be a walk in the park. Creating attraction after it’s already come and gone is difficult. When you first met there was probably “instant attraction” without you consciously trying to do anything.
This time around it’s going to take conscious effort on your part – in fact, it’s going to take A LOT of conscious effort.
But don’t worry – if you really are serious about getting back your ex the motivation won’t be hard to find.
Getting back to reality
In LESSON 1, we talked about the “push and pull” and how the reflexive reaction to a break up is to “push, push, push” in a desperate attempt to get back together. But, unfortunately, that almost always backfires – they “pull” back for every “push” you exert. Keeping contact to a bare minimum makes it so you can’t push and allows any pushing from the past to “heal” (or, in other words, be forgotten).
In LESSON 2, I explained that we are going to ATTRACT your ex back into your life rather than resorting to begging, whining, manipulation, sympathy, or any other useless, ineffective tactic.
Attraction is a funny thing – it CANNOT be forced. The “push and pull” is applicable here too you can’t “push” yourself on someone because that will usually cause them to “pull” away.
In order to attract your ex you are going to have to be like a magnet, which draws metal objects to it, rather than a net which actively pursues.
Over the next month we are going to turn you into an “ex-magnet.” We are going to transform you into the type of person that your ex (hopefully) CANNOT resist. I am going to school you in how to become irresistibly attractive to them.
We already know that you are the kind of person they like (since they were attracted to you at one time) we just have to work on restoring what dissipated over time and repairing any errors that have occurred since you have been together.
Getting out of the dumps…
Chances are that you have been feeling sullen and depressed about your break up with your ex. You may even have told them that. If you did tell them that… THAT WAS A MISTAKE… because “neediness” goes against everything that is attractive. On an unconscious level, neediness is absolutely repulsive. It is interpreted as weak.
In order to be attractive you have to remove every trace of neediness from your life. This is part of the reason why you are not contacting your ex for a month – so you have time to overcome this neediness.
Neediness is usually caused by irrational thinking.
When love is involved our thoughts have a way of twisting and contorting reality until the way we see the world no longer even resembles “real life.”
Have you had any thoughts like these recently?:
“I can’t live without ___________.”
“I can’t be happy until __________ comes back to me.”
“__________ is the only person I could ever love.”
“I wish __________ were here so I could feel good.”
If so, you ARE having irrational thoughts because these statements are definitely NOT TRUE. When you repeat such statements to yourself, it’s no wonder that you feel needy and depressed. To a point, your mind believes whatever you repeatedly tell it… rational or irrational. These irrational thoughts are holding you back… they will actually PREVENT you from getting back with your ex since they are causing the neediness that your ex will find so repulsive.
If after your month long hiatus you see your ex on the big date (more on this later) and they get even a *whiff* of neediness they will know that they hold all the cards and they will “pull” away from you again. Believe it or not, people don’t like to “hold all the cards,” they like a little bit of a challenge.
We must kill every irrational thought so that neediness will have nowhere to grow in your mind.
So how do we get rid of irrational thinking?
Sometimes it probably feels like it is beyond our control, like there is nothing we can do about it. However, this is untrue and irrational in itself – you do have complete and total control over what you think about.
Here’s the “secret” to getting rid of this irrational thinking…
There needs to be a shift from needing to *desiring* your ex.
Up until now you probably thought that you NEEDED to get back your ex.
However, if you can be honest with yourself, you can admit that you don’t NEED your ex in your life – you CAN live without them, you CAN be happy without them, and there ARE other very attractive, wonderful people out there for you.
This is true, whether you believe it or not.
Desire is perfectly healthy…
When we desire something we can live with or without it. We think, “That would be nice but I don’t really need it.” Instead of, “I just can’t live without it; my life would be ruined if I couldn’t get it.”
The attitude of desire helps you to relax and enjoy this process while neediness will make you tense, nervous, and irrational. The attitude of desire will leave you in a position to move on if, for whatever reason, your ex does not want to get back together. If you retain an attitude of neediness you will be devastated, heartbroken, and depressed if things don’t work out.
When you don’t get something you desire you are disappointed but you aren’t crushed in the same way that you are when you don’t get something you felt you needed.
As with most things in life we become more efficient, more able, and ultimately more successful when we relax. This is true with many things; from public speaking, to sports, to sex… to getting back your ex.
The point of today’s lesson is this: come back to reality, let go of your neediness, and RELAX so that we can start productively attracting your ex back.
Change your thinking about this entire situation. Just give up control, accept the possibility that you may not get them back, stop worrying about the outcome, and relax – if you are following my advice you have already improved your chances of getting them back – take comfort in that if nothing else.
The fine line between wanting and needing…
Now, to clarify the difference between wanting/desiring your ex (healthy)
and needing (unhealthy) your ex I would like to draw a parallel with a reference to a Biblical scripture about money.
I’m sure you’ve heard people say that “Money is the root of all evil.”
Actually, that is a misquote. The actual scripture says that “The LOVE OF money is the root of all evil.”
Similarly, you can desire your ex as you would desire money – that’s perfectly fine. But when you start to obsess over your ex, when you NEED your ex, or money, to be happy and/or feel good, that is when things become problematic.
What determines how hard this break up will be on you?
Psychologist Jack Mearns studied people’s reactions to breakups. Those who got over the relationship quicker and easier were those who coped actively – by pursuing new friends, getting involved with hobbies, etc.
Those who did not take such active steps, and instead “wallowed” in grief and self-pity, were those who experienced much more grief and depression.
Basically, society tells us that feeling intense grief after a break up is part of a normal, healthy healing process. But, the truth is really this period of discomfort is not as necessary as we are being told and the lack of this period is just as healthy. Following a tragedy we are told to expect such a period of intense grief. But, research shows that those who don’t experience such a period of grief are doing much better one year after the tragedy. Mearns concludes that “people who didn’t think they could bring themselves out of depression generally didn’t.”
How hard this break up will be on you is up to you… you decide. If you buy into the conventional “wisdom” that all break ups are tragic and that mourning is part of healing then this break up could be very, very painful and drawn out. If, instead, you decide that you are not powerless over how you feel and that you will not let it bring you down you may have a much, much easier time.
For most people, the expectation that a break up will be followed by traumatic grief becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Get rid of that belief and you get rid of the self-fulfilling prophecy that flows from it.
Now, I don’t want to make this sound more simple/easy than it really is. Break ups are difficult and complex. I just want to confront these fallacies because there is no reason this should be made more difficult and painful just because you were misinformed about how to deal with such events.
That’s it for this lesson except for one final reminder…
You DESIRE your ex, you don’t NEED them.
In our last lesson we discussed how to overcome the unattractive, irrational thoughts that have us dwelling in negativity and self-pity. A lot of those irrational thoughts can be overcome just by realizing that you don’t really need your ex as much as you think.
Today I have an assignment for you that is going to require an open mind… I want you to exercise everyday for the next 30 days starting TODAY.
You may be thinking, “What on earth does exercise have to do with getting back my ex?”
Remember, in the introduction when I told you that I would have some strange requests that you might not understand but you should trust me anyway and do them because my plan is based on experience and has proven to work? And that when this plan fails it is usually because the person didn’t do EVERYTHING that I said to do?
Now is one of those times when you are going to have to trust me that I know what I am talking about.
Exercise every single day for the next 30 days. This means running, lifting weights, starting an aerobic workout, swimming, beginning a martial art, yoga, etc.
And, I don’t mean a wussy little 10-minute routine on the Nordic Track. I’m talking at least 30 minutes of heart-pumping, calorie-burning, muscle- building exercise EVERY SINGLE DAY.
If you already exercise for the 30 minutes then I want you to exercise for more
Exercise makes you EXTREMELY attractive. Physically AND emotionally.
By exercising you:
– get a more fit, attractive body shape
– gain confidence
– look younger
– improve self-esteem
– get a more healthy and vibrant complexion
– reduce depression and anxiety
– enhanced work, sport, and recreation performance
– release endorphins and other “feel good” chemicals into your bloodstream
– release hormones that keep you looking and feeling younger (and better!)
… and that’s really just the tip of the iceberg. Just imagine what it’s going to feel like to sit down in front of your ex one month from now looking and feeling better than you have in years.
They won’t be able to help but feel attracted to the positive change in your life. They will be drawn to your new, improved physical and emotional health and strength. It’s one of those things where they may not be able to put their finger on exactly what it is… but they know something is different and they like it.
DO NOT BRUSH THIS OFF. START RIGHT NOW. MAKE A PLAN…
Just make sure that you exercise for at least 30 minutes a day, every day, for the next 30 days.
Haven’t you been looking for a good reason to start exercising anyway?
What Is They Find Someone Else?
Has your ex been dating someone else? Have they already found someone that they seem to really like?
One of the greatest fears people have when they are following this plan is:
“What if during this month of not talking to them they meet someone else and fall in love with them and forget about me?”
Here’s why that shouldn’t be a concern…
Usually, about 75% 4 of the time, these “rebound” relationships are NOT serious, do NOT work out, and, if you play your cards right, will actually work in you FAVOR.
Your ex may hop into a relationship with this new person for all the wrong reasons.
The relationship will probably not last long and, while it does last, your ex is, in the back of their mind, thinking about you.
Yes, seriously. On some level they are constantly comparing the two of you against each other. This sounds bad for you but it’s not…
You and your ex have had far more experiences together – more good times, more good memories, than this new person could ever get with your ex in the next month.
With time the bad memories of you will fade and the good memories will grow stronger. Meanwhile the rebound relationship will start to decay as the “newness” wears off and your ex finds that they aren’t really attracted to this new person as much as they thought.
If you leave your ex alone for this month and improve yourself, when you set up the big date with them the “bad stuff” that went on between the two of you will be more distant and less relevant.
The new person, if there is one, will not be able to compete with the confident, attractive image you will be portraying.
So, relax and focus on improving yourself for the next month. If you follow my advice there is a very good chance that everything will work out in your favor. However, if you were to grow insecure about this, break down, and call your ex one night (to make sure they haven’t found anyone else) they will likely interpret that as a BIG “push” (see LESSON 1) and that will definitely hurt your chances of getting back with them. In fact, it just might erase everything you’ve worked for up to that point.
Don’t do it, stay strong.
The other fishes in the sea…
How has your exercising been going?
You are exercising aren’t you? If you aren’t, then don’t expect this course to work. If you can’t forth the effort required to improve your immediate situation or to follow through on my suggestions one has to wonder just how serious you are about getting back your ex.
Beyond that, if you don’t do what I say, how can you know if what I say possibly works?
It always amazes me when I get an email from someone who says my suggestions didn’t work; I ask them one question, “Did you follow all my suggestions?” Without exception they say, “Well, no I didn’t do everything you suggested but that’s because…”
Please don’t be one of those people.
I wish I could say that the tough part of my recommendations is over. But, the truth is that today’s lesson and assignment may be tougher and more demanding for some people than all the others combined.
Here it is…
Over the next three weeks you need to go out on at least three dates.
These can’t be dates with old friends or people you already know. They CAN be with the same person (as long as it is a new person), or with 3 different people, that is up to you. I would recommend at least two people but it’s not required if you enjoy one person’s company.
You are probably encountering some mental resistance to my suggestion.
In fact, I can probably predict that you are thinking 1 of 2 things:
“I DON’T WANT TO DATE ANYBODY ELSE, I WANT _________BACK!”
We are working on this, you have to trust me that dating other people is a step in the right direction towards getting your ex back.
By going out on a few dates you are changing your situation in several positive ways; you are getting over your neediness, you are increasing your confidence, and you are getting out of any depression. These are all VERY attractive things.
“I DON’T WANT MY EX TO FIND OUT AND THINK THAT I AM OVER THEM BECAUSE THAT WILL MAKE THEM GET OVER ME.”
This is not a concern. Logic would seem to point to that conclusion but it’s just not what happens in reality.
The reality is that you become more valuable and more attractive to them when they see that you are strong enough to get on with your life without them.
They will be drawn to you because dating other people is an indicator of attractive qualities such as strength and confidence. In
effect, you are communicating to your ex “I would like to be with you, but I can’t. So, rather than waiting around like a begging
puppy, I am forging ahead. I know that I am attractive and that other people will like me…”
If you need help meeting people then I highly, highly recommend Internet dating. There is no better way to meet exciting, new people. Don’t believe the stigma – Internet dating is great and no, the people that use Internet dating are not all ugly, perverted computer nerds.
I recommend one Internet dating service in particular. According to the experience of myself and others it is easier to use and has one of the biggest databases of singles that you can find online.
Bonds that make us free…
How long has it been since you read a really, really good book?
Some books you read and they have such a profound impact on you that you never look at the world the same and you certainly never forget the message.
I know of such a book… one that will really change you. As a result of reading this one book you will have much better relationships and you will be more happy in general.
Seriously, it’s that good.
Getting yourself a copy of this book is today’s assignment. Go out now
and get a copy of this book:
“The Bonds That Make Us Free” by C. Terry Warner
You can get it at Amazon.com
… notice that you can also buy a used copy if you would like. Or you can get it at your local library. Call to see if they have it first – they might not because it is a pretty new book.
Now is crunch time, do you REALLY want your ex back or did you just *think* you wanted them back? If you are serious about getting them back
THEN GET THIS BOOK!
I truly believe that C. Terry Warner has uncovered the “secret” to having great relationships and a fulfilled life. His writing is clear (much better than mine :-), and his frequent use of stories makes the reading pleasant.
This is NOT your normal “touchy, feely” relationship book. I’ve never read anything like this. As a philosopher, he has a way of cutting through the crap, and getting to the core of his message.
Here is that link again:
It’s a bit of a hassle but after you get done reading that book you will thank me.
Please don’t put this off or you won’t do it!
What Went Wrong?
Getting back together would be pointless if you were only going to break up again in the future.
Hence the need to identify, and fix, the “problem(s)” in your relationship that led to your break up.
This e-course will help you fix [what is probably] your # 1 problem – lack of attraction.
In addition to working on recreating attraction you should examine your relationship and look for what other contributing factors led to the break up and how you can overcome/prevent/eliminate these things.
Were you being insecure and jealous? You should work on your self esteem, confidence, and trust issues.
Were you always arguing? You should plan how you are going to do deal with conflict when you get back together and consider why you need to argue about everything.
Were you too demanding? How can you become more tolerant and laid back? Why are you demanding? Why are your expectations so high?
Since the 1970s, social psychologist John Gottman has dedicated his life to determining why it is that some couples stay married and others don’t.
Granted, this is a book about how to get back your ex boyfriend or girlfriend but I find his research applies to all romantic relationships – regardless of whether there was ever a commitment to marriage.
Gottman’s studies were interesting, he would lock a couple in an apartment and videotape their every move. Every discussion, every interaction, every argument was caught on tape and carefully analyzed.
More recent studies even allowed him to monitor shifts in heart rate and chemical stress indicators as a result of their interactions.